Chapter 30

THE HOT WATER WAS ENOUGH to make me forget I was standing in an old motel shower, washing my hair with shampoo that reeked of fake lavender. In the entire compact bathroom, there were only six things: the sink, the toilet, the towel, the shower, its curtain, and me.

I was the last one in. By the time I finally walked through the motel room door, Zu had already been in and out and Chubs had just barricaded himself in the bathroom, where he spent the next hour scrubbing himself and all of his clothing until they stank of stale soap. It seemed pointless to me to try to do laundry in a sink with hand soap, but there was no bathtub or laundry detergent for him to use. The rest of us just sat back and tuned out his impassioned speech on the importance of good hygiene.

"You're next," Liam had said, turning to me. "Just make sure you wipe down everything when you're done."

I caught the towel he threw to me. "What about you?"

"I'll take one in the morning."

With the bathroom door shut and locked behind me, I dropped my backpack on the toilet seat cover and went to work sorting through its contents. I pulled out the clothes they had given me and dumped them on the floor. Something silky and red spilled out on top of the pile, causing me to jump back in alarm.

It took several moments of suspicious inspection to figure out what it was-the bright red dress from the trailer's closet.

Zu, I thought, passing a tired hand over my face. She must have grabbed it when I wasn't looking.

I poked at it with a toe, nose wrinkling at its faint scent of stale cigarette smoke. It looked like it was going to be a size too large for me, not to mention the somewhat icky feeling that came with knowing where it had been.

But, clearly, she had wanted me to have it-and wearing it, loath as I was to admit it, was smarter than running around in my camp uniform. I could do this for Zu; if it made her happy, it'd be worth the discomfort.

There was no shampoo, but the Children's League had thought to give me deodorant, a bright green toothbrush, a pack of tissues, some tampons, and hand sanitizer-all travel-sized and zipped up tight in a plastic bag. Under that was a small hairbrush and water bottle. And there, at the very bottom of the bag, was another panic button.

It must have been there the entire time, and I just hadn't realized it. I'd thrown the first one Cate had given me away, leaving it behind in the mud and brush. The thought that this one had been in my bag all this time-the entire time-made my skin crawl. Why hadn't I thoroughly searched the bag before now?

I picked it up between two fingers and dropped it into the sink like it had been a piece of hot coal. My hand was on the faucet, ready to drown the stupid thing in water and fry it for good, but something stopped me.

I'm not sure how long I stared down at it before I picked it up again and held it toward the light, trying to see if I could peer inside of the black outer shell. I looked for a red blinking light that would tell me if it was recording. I held it up to my ear, listening for any kind whirring or beeping that would tell me if it was activated. If it was on, or if it really was a tracker, wouldn't they have caught up to us by now?

Was it so bad to keep it-just in case? Just in case something happened again, and I couldn't help the others? Wouldn't being with the League be better than being thrown back into Thurmond? Being killed-wasn't anything better than that?

When I put the panic button back in the pocket of the backpack, it wasn't for me. If Cate had seen me she would have smiled, and the thought only made me angry all over again. I couldn't even believe in my own ability to protect these kids.

Stepping under the shower's perfect warm spray was already surreal enough without having to hear the click-click-click-beep of Thurmond's automatic timer to keep my wash time under three minutes. It was a good thing, too, since the dirt seemed to come off me in slow layers. A good fifteen minutes of scrubbing and it felt like I had turned every inch of my skin inside out. I even tried using the bubblegum pink razor that had been included in the hotel's small pack of soap and shampoo, opening up old and new scabs on my shins and knees.

Sixteen years old, I thought, and this is the first time I've been able to shave my legs.

It was stupid-so stupid. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't care. I was old enough. No one was going to stop me.

My mom always came back to me in flashes. Sometimes I'd hear her voice, just a word or two. Other times, I'd have a memory so real it was like reliving the moment altogether. And now, as I kept at it, all I could think of was that conversation we'd had about this very thing, and her smile as she repeated over and over again, "Maybe when you're thirteen."

Eventually, I washed the razor off and threw it in the direction of my bag. I didn't think anyone else would want to use it now. With blood running down my legs, I turned my attention to the nest on my head. My hair was still too tangled for me to run my hands through it. I had to work through it knot by knot, using more of the shampoo than I had ever meant to, and by the time I was finished, I was crying.

I'm sixteen.

I don't know what brought it out. One minute I was fine, and the next it felt like my chest had collapsed in on itself. I tried to take in a deep breath, but the air was too hot. My hands found the wall's white tile first, a second before the rest of my body collapsed against it. I sat down on the rough, fake stone floor of the shower, and pressed my hands to my chest, grateful for the noise of the running water and overhead vent, which hid the sound of me breaking into pieces. I didn't want them to hear me like this, especially not Zu.

It was stupid, so stupid. I was sixteen-so what? So what, I hadn't seen my parents in six years? So what, I might never see them again? It's not like they remembered me anyway.

I should have been happy that it was over, that I was out of that place. But inside or out, I was alone, and I was beginning to wonder if I always had been, if I always would be. The water pressure wavered, its temperature spiking as someone in the next room over flushed the toilet. It didn't matter. I could barely feel it blasting against my back. My fingers went to my bleeding knees and pressed down, but I couldn't feel that, either.

Cate had told me that I needed to divide my life into three acts and close the first two behind me-but how did someone do that? How were you just supposed to forget?

There was a knock on the door. Faint, almost tentative at first, but more insistent when I didn't answer right away.

"Ruby?" I heard Liam's voice call. "You okay?"

I took a deep breath and reached back, hand feeling through the air for the faucet. The water overhead faded to a mere drizzle, and then a drip, and then nothing at all.

"Can you-uh-open the door? Just for a sec?" He sounded nervous enough to make me nervous. For one terrifying split second I thought something had happened. I reached for the towel and wrapped it around myself. My fingers flicked the lock over and were turning the doorknob before my brain caught up.

A blast of icy air was the first thing to hit me. Liam's wide eyes were the second. The pair of big white socks in his hand, the third.

He glanced around the bathroom over my shoulder, his mouth pressed in a grim line. The motel room was darker than it had been when I first walked in; we must have been well into night now. So I couldn't be sure, not in any real way, but I thought I caught a hint of color flooding the tips of his ears.

"Is everything all right?" I whispered. He stared at me, letting the warm fog from the bathroom wash over him. "Liam?"

The socks were thrust in my direction. I looked down at them and then up at him, hoping I didn't look as flabbergasted as I felt.

"Just wanted togive you these," he said, giving them a little shake. He thrust them again in my direction. "You know, for you."

"Don't you need them?" I asked.

"I have a couple extra pairs, and you have none, right?" He looked like he was in some kind of pain now. "Seriously. Please. Just take them. Chubs says your extremities or whatever are the first things to get cold, so you need them, and-"

"Oh my God, Green," I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. "Just take the damn socks and put the kid out of his misery."

Liam didn't wait for me to hold out a hand. He reached past me and deposited them on the counter, right next to the sink.

"Umthanks?" I said.

"Great-I mean, no problem," Liam turned to walk away, only to turn back again, as if thinking of something else. "Okay. Great. Cool-well, so you-"

"Use your words, Lee," Chubs called. "Some of us are trying to get some sleep."

"Oh, right. Sleep." Liam made a vague motion toward the room's bed. "You and Zu are going to share. I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not," I said.

"Okay, great!" He put an abnormally bright smile on his face. I wondered what he was waiting for me to do or say-if this was one of those moments that being trapped in a cabin with dozens of girls for six years had failed to prepare me for. It was like we were speaking in two different languages.

"Yeah, um, great," I repeated, more confused now than ever. That seemed to do the trick, though. Liam turned and walked away without another word.

I picked up my new socks from the counter, examining them. Just before I shut the door, I heard Chubs's voice, tinged with his usual told-you-so.

"-hope you're pleased with yourself," he was saying. "You should have just left her alone. She was fine."

But I hadn't been, and somehow Liam had known.

It took me several long moments to realize it was Zu's dream.

She and I were on the room's queen-sized bed, huddled together for warmth. The boys were on the floor with the blankets, using extra towels stolen from a cleaning cart as pillows. The collective brain trust of Chubs and Liam hadn't been able to figure out how to turn down the air-conditioning unit, which insisted on spitting out its frosty breath every time the room so much as dared to spike to sixty degrees.

I had been hovering around the sweet, milky edges of sleep for hours when I felt the itch at the back of my mind. There was a part of me that had been expecting it; even though my body had settled onto the bed like a slab of concrete, my brain was still buzzing around in circles, processing what had happened with the PSFs, wondering if I could do what I had done to that man again, when Zu's bare feet brushed against mine, and that was all it took. I was pulled into her dream headfirst.

I was Zu and Zu was in a small bed, staring up at the underbelly of a brown mattress. Darkness blurred around us until finally some recognizable shapes emerged. Stacks of bunk beds, a chalkboard, bright blue cabinets that stretched from floor to ceiling, large windows boarded up with plywood, and strange square discolorations on the wall, where posters must have once hung.

I couldn't tear away. That was the dangerous thing about dreams-how quickly you became tangled in it all. People naturally let their guard down when they slept, so much so that sometimes, if the dream was frightening enough, I didn't even need a touch to be drawn into it.

I couldn't smell the smoke, but I saw it right away, gliding beneath the old classroom's door like spilled milk racing across the ground. A moment later, I jolted up, rolling until I was off the bed completely. I watched in slow, dawning horror as a dozen girls jumped down from their bunks and gathered in a buzzing huddle at the center of the room.

One girl, who must have been a good head taller and four years older than the others, tried to get them to crouch in a line beneath the windows, with no success. Her arms were waving through the air, the long sleeves of her simple, mustard-yellow uniform blurring. And then, the alarms went off and the door at the far end of the room swung open.

The sound the bell made was nearly as excruciating as the White Noise, its pitch stretched and distorted by the dream. I was jostled forward as the other little girls made a break for the door. It didn't seem to matter to them that the smoke was suffocating, or that it didn't have a visible source.

In the place of neat, orderly lines was mass chaos. Kids with green, navy, and yellow uniforms spilled out into the white-tiled hallway. The emergency lights were on, fire alarms flashing red and yellow along the wall. I was thrown into the crushing river of bodies, all headed in the same direction-the direction of the smoke.

My vision blurred with tears and forced the breath out of my chest. One glance over my shoulder was enough to see some of the older kids, both boys and girls, dragging out the blue cabinets from their room and knocking them over in front of the silver double doors at the other end of the hallway.

We weren't evacuating at all. We were escaping.

My vision was swimming in black by the time we were pushed through the other set of doors and into the cramped stairway. The smoke was thickest there, rising not from shimmering flames but two small black canisters-the kind PSFs kept hooked on their belts, waiting to be thrown into a crowd of unruly kids.

So the PSFs set them off? No, that wasn't possible. It was much more likely a few kids had nabbed them, to get the alarms going and the doors open. That was probably the extent of their emergency protocol.

We were trapped in that stairwell, our bodies pressed against everyone else's in one shivering mass of nerves and exhilaration. I tried to keep my eyes forward and feel for the steps under my feet, but it was hard not to see what the darkness and flashing lights were doing to the other kids. Some were crying hysterically, some looked on the verge of passing out, but some were laughing. Laughing, like it was a game.

I don't know how I spotted the other small Asian girl under the tide of hands and heads. She was wedged in the bottom left corner of the stairwell landing, standing on her toes, her green uniform barely visible. Her hair was gleaming black under the emergency lights, and her arm was above her head, outstretched-toward me?

The minute I made eye contact with her, her face lit up in recognition. I saw her mouth form Zu's name. I tried to reach out, to grab her hand, but the swarm of people around me pushed me down, jostling forward. By the time I turned around, she had disappeared, too.

I didn't see one PSF or camp controller-not until we were at the base of the stairwell, stepping over, but mostly on, the three prone black figures on the ground. Their faces were swollen into bruised masks. Blood collected on the ground under them.

Someone, probably a Blue, had ripped the doors from their hinges and sent them flying outside, into what looked like a wasteland of white snow. The ground was unnaturally bright under the moonless sky-partly from the dream, partly from the searchlights that switched on as the pitch of the alarm changed from a trill to a warning siren.

Once we were out those final doors, we were running.